Dumbstruck

Today should be my first day in a new business unit doing my best to fight off the jetlag of a flight back from Honolulu yesterday. It’s been hard to find anything of value this week to make up for not getting to go. Yesterday, I ran smack dab into a reason at Chipotle.

No reason really necessary, I was awake and I was hungry, so I went to Chipotle. I find some parking and stroll in, expecting to be out and back to my place in time to eat, and then head over to Lazza’s for some painting. Who do I see but Graham and Amar waiting in line. Hm.

aside: Graham was my best friend when I got down to Austin. We were in the same section during TU, and we bonded pretty quickly. We worked out together, went out a lot together, and before my little unit of Haney, Zack and Kennedy took shape, he was the main guy I spent my time with. Hopelessly begging for affection from my dad as a child + being shy = the guy friends that I have are extremely important to me. Circa Christmas the first year I was down here, he hooked up with my ex-girlfriend the day after we broke up. Needless to say there was some stress. There was never an apology and we lost touch. …sound familiar?

“Hey, what’s up?”

A firm handshake for the both of them, and then an awkward silence caused by the girl standing between us in line. Watching the wheels turn as she argued in her head, “Should I let him go ahead?” “But I’m so hungry!” “I should let him go ahead…” was rather comical, but the female buffer persisted. As Graham paid for his food and walked away, he probed, “Gonna hang out?”

If I was the person I was before moving to Austin, I probably would have made some lame excuse and bugged out. But instead a “Sure” popped out. I paid for my food after internal argument girl finished her transaction, and after some initial awkwardness after realizing that his table was full, he got up, and we sat on those uncomfortable stools facing out to Lamar, the rest of the restaurant behind us.

I won’t bore you with the small talk we made, cause quite honestly it was pretty darn boring. We talked about jobs and leaving Austin and where we wanted to go next, the same conversation that I have with so many people my age. But as I finished wolfing down my burrito, I said that I had to run and started cleaning up, grabbing my Lactaid wrapper and slippery stray pico between my thumb and index finger.

“I was meaning to write you recently…” he started. And I thought I knew what was coming next. The typical, “Yeah, we should hang out sometime.” The understood polite thing to say that will never ever happen. But that didn’t come next. I was shocked at what did.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m really sorry about what happened. I know that I sorta apologized, but I should have tried harder.”

…

I had no idea what to say. I was absolutely floored. I thankfully managed an apologetic, “Well, it’s a really sensitive subject for me. I don’t think it affects most people as much as it does me.”

My head was spinning at that point so I think I’m forgetting a few lines, but he basically closed with a “I’m sorry that we missed out on a good friendship”, and I with a “I do too. It really means a lot to me to hear you say that.” I gave him a lame “guy” smack on the shoulder, threw away my trash and walked out.

I sat dumbstruck in my car for a few moments before even turning it on. It was such a bittersweet moment. It was so great to hear that he actually was genuinely sorry for what had happened, and that he was as sorry as I was that we lost a good friendship. And at the same time it was so sad thinking of all the times we did spend together, and all the times we could should have spent together.

And it’s hard not to look at the relationships that I had in 2003 that I don’t have in 2004. Of the people that were so important in my life that I just don’t see anymore. And with just a few words from Graham I realized how right I was. And how wrong it was.

I should have hugged him.