EKG Girl? Meet Black Blowjob Guy.

Hey, I’m going to Houston.

Why?

‘Cause I ain’t got no job, bitch.

Seriously. That is never gonna get old.

My apologies for lack of posts last week, but I spent a few days in Houston visiting a friend that was in town for work. What did I do? Peep it. Over
the course of 48 hours:

• Drove about 350 miles.
• Had to stop at the railroad crossing in the booming metropolis that is href="http://www.giddings.net/">Giddings, Texas. Both ways.

• Realized that Usher’s new album is actually pretty good.
• Worried about my fledgling lawn.
• Saw the most unflattering view of my naked body ever. Takeaway? Full-length
  hotel mirrors in view of the toilet? Bad.

• Had a major brain fart resulting in my car getting towed.
• Decided that Houston Chipotle is quite inferior to Austin Chipotle. (Yeah, I had Chipotle, but my freakin’ car got towed!)
• Walked 2.8 miles (about 2 miles longer than I needed to) trying to get it back, through some of the worst neighborhoods in Houston.
• Explored the 7(!) miles of underground tunnels in downtown Houston.
• Walked through a unlit quarter-mile tunnel in North Houston and almost peed my pants.
• While searching for my car, stopped at a stand called Poppa Burger and had a Lil’ Pop Burger.
• Had drinks at Dean’s Credit
  Clothing, a bar crossed with a clothing store, where drunk people were trying on clothes all night. Seriously.

• Drunk dialed a friend in Portland from Houston, with my drunk friend from London (originally Kansas).

Good times. But the story of the weekend? No question. As I exited the CVS about to hop onto the light rail:

[Putting my change back in my wallet, currently filled with bills cause I have to pay cash to get my car back.]

Money, Money, Money…

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[I smile politely.]

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You from around here?

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No, I’m from Austin.

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Shoot. Do you know how to read?

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Ur…I do my best…

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Yeah, well I’m a smart guy, but I can’t read.

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Oh.

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Look, I need to get back to my hotel, but I can’t find it. I’ll give you [he pulls out a wad of cash] $20 if you’ll look up the number in the phonebook for me.

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…

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My bus is leaving at 6:30 so I just need to get back to the hotel.

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I can call 411…
[I start dialing]

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No, I don’t have the address, so they said I had to use a phone book.

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…
[I hang up and dial Shri]

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Who are you calling now? [He's starting to get a little testy]

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I’m calling a friend of mine—he can look it up.

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No, that will take too long.

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No, no, it’ll take two seconds.

…

[Shri isn't in front of his computer]

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Is this a good neighborhood?

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Um, I don’t know I’m not from here.

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Oh right, you’re from Austin.

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…

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Look, I have this white chick back at the hotel that wants to give me a blowjob. I’ll give you [out comes the wad of cash again] $100 if you just… [His phone rings]

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Ur… I gotta go.