EKG Girl? Meet Black Blowjob Guy.
October 18, 2004 in Uncategorized« Oh, Hey!
I Love You Jon »
Hey, I’m going to Houston.
Why? |
‘Cause I ain’t got no job, bitch.
Seriously. That is never gonna get old.
My apologies for lack of posts last week, but I spent a few days in Houston visiting a friend that was in town for work. What did I do? Peep it. Over
the course of 48 hours:
- Drove about 350 miles.
- Had to stop at the railroad crossing in the booming metropolis that is Giddings, Texas. Both ways.
- Realized that Usher’s new album is actually pretty good.
- Worried about my fledgling lawn.
- Saw the most unflattering view of my naked body ever. Takeaway? Full-length
hotel mirrors in view of the toilet? Bad. - Had a major brain fart resulting in my car getting towed.
- Decided that Houston Chipotle is quite inferior to Austin Chipotle. (Yeah, I had Chipotle, but my freakin’ car got towed!)
- Walked 2.8 miles (about 2 miles longer than I needed to) trying to get it back, through some of the worst neighborhoods in Houston.
- Explored the 7(!) miles of underground tunnels in downtown Houston.
- Walked through a unlit quarter-mile tunnel in North Houston and almost peed my pants.
- While searching for my car, stopped at a stand called Poppa Burger and had a Lil’ Pop Burger.
- Had drinks at Dean’s Credit
Clothing, a bar crossed with a clothing store, where drunk people were trying on clothes all night. Seriously. - Drunk dialed a friend in Portland from Houston, with my drunk friend from London (originally Kansas).
Good times. But the story of the weekend? No question. As I exited the CVS about to hop onto the light rail:
[Putting my change back in my wallet, currently filled with bills cause I have to pay cash to get my car back.]
Money, Money, Money… |
[I smile politely.]
You from around here? |
No, I’m from Austin.
Shoot. Do you know how to read? |
Ur…I do my best…
Yeah, well I’m a smart guy, but I can’t read. |
Oh.
Look, I need to get back to my hotel, but I can’t find it. I’ll give you [he pulls out a wad of cash] $20 if you’ll look up the number in the phonebook for me. |
…
My bus is leaving at 6:30 so I just need to get back to the hotel. |
I can call 411…
[I start dialing]
No, I don’t have the address, so they said I had to use a phone book. |
…
[I hang up and dial Shri]
Who are you calling now? [He’s starting to get a little testy] |
I’m calling a friend of mine—he can look it up.
No, that will take too long. |
No, no, it’ll take two seconds.
…
[Shri isn’t in front of his computer]
Is this a good neighborhood? |
Um, I don’t know I’m not from here.
Oh right, you’re from Austin. |
…
Look, I have this white chick back at the hotel that wants to give me a blowjob. I’ll give you [out comes the wad of cash again] $100 if you just… [His phone rings] |
Ur… I gotta go.
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dood. i’m in EUGENE. =)
still, drunk mark and drunk annie, it was good to hear from ya both.
and, apologies to whoever, but houston? sucks. suckity suck suck sucks.
eugene shmugene. that’s what i always say.